


While you flow through my veins

by MyFandomCausesHanaji



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alchemy, Angst, Canon Relationships, Character Development, Children, Choices, Developing Relationship, Difficult Decisions, Drama, Drama & Romance, Ed has issues, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Infidelity, Love Triangles, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Married Life, Mild Sexual Content, Poor Life Choices, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Regret, Romance, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-16 01:19:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11243310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyFandomCausesHanaji/pseuds/MyFandomCausesHanaji
Summary: “I has been always wondering if it was more than a crush and what would’ve happened if you didn’t propose to Winry,” Al started and Ed felt he was losing his ground. “You know,” Al said and Ed wanted to shut him up but his mouth was dry and his head was empty. “I am not surprised. I think you would’ve been good for each other. I am so sorry, that it happened too late, brother, I really am…”And Ed’s heart stopped....or why Brotherhood ending is not gonna work.ppl say:""Broke my heart! This fic fulfills what I believe would've happened after the epilogue, even if RoyEd wasn't in the story (though I'm happy they are)."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is for all who also think that Brotherhood "happy ending" with Ed and Win happily married is not as happy as they tried to show us. So I basically fixed it. Sorta. In my own angsty way ahaha.  
> Enjoy!
> 
> As always, gazillion thanks to my beta Himeneka! ^_^
> 
> UPD. Someone quietly added this work to the bookmars with a note: _"Broke my heart! This fic fulfills what I believe would've happened after the epilogue, even if RoyEd wasn't in the story (though I'm happy they are)."_ This is the best compliment for this fic, thank you ^_^

 

_Life has a melody._

_A rhythm of notes which become your existence_

_once played in harmony with God's plan._

 

   

“If you give half of your life to me, I’ll give half of my life to you.”

“Half? I’ll give you all of it.”

 

The first year Ed was happy. He could finally relax, probably for the first time in his not that long life, without worrying about anything.

He spent his days helping Winry in her workshop in Rush Valley, learning more about automail than he had during the years he was wearing two of them.

He spent his nights making love to his lovely wife, enjoying the sensations and feelings which were still new to him, or reading and working on some alchemy theories, trying not to think too much that now it was just this - reading, researching, drawing arrays - for others to use.

First year he thought he finally realised what it meant - living.

 

The second year he thought he was starting to learn what happiness is, when Winry told him he was going to be a father. The thought of him raising his own kids was surreal but endearing, and he couldn’t get enough of just rolling it inside his head every time when he woke up in the morning with Winry in his arms, when he looked at her working in her workshop.

Even when he was sitting in the night under the weak warm light from a table lamp falling on the opened alchemy books and papers with his messy notes on them, and he could almost pretend that he doesn’t feel this suffocating dark emptiness somewhere on a verge of his conscience where the feeling of his Gate used to be.

He will get used to it.

It was all worth it.

 

The third year he thought he realised what true happiness was when he held his son in his arms. Winry was smiling at him and he was smiling back, thinking that his life can’t be any better. They named him Maes. Mrs. Hughes was crying on the phone when he called her to tell her that, but he could hear her smiling through the tears.

Mustang wasn’t crying when Ed received a call from him the next day. But he had never heard the man’s voice sounding so soft and sincere when he said “Thank you, Edward.” Ed told him he could visit them anytime if he wanted to see Maes.

 

On the third year he received a letter offering him a position in the lab in the Central City. He talked with Winry about possibly moving there - they could open a workshop there, right? And they could use more money now when they had a kid. She asked him to wait until Maes was a bit older.

“You can do some research from here, can’t you?” she asked.

“I suppose I can,” he said, and sent a polite letter declining the offer.

Later this year Al and Mei came to visit from Xing and that year he spent taking care of his little son, while Winry was busy in the workshop. He didn’t have much time for reading or research, but he hardly even had time to think about it, and he could talk about alchemy and alkahestry with Al and Mei.

They left too soon, but he couldn’t allow himself to be upset that his brother lived so far and he couldn’t see him too often. He was alive and happy - that was what really mattered.

And Ed was happy too.

As for the alchemy… He still had his books.

 

On the fourth year they received an invitation for Al and Mei’s wedding in Xing.

On the fourth year Winry told him she was pregnant again. She said he could go alone and that she could take care of their son on her own.

A few days before the day he was supposed to leave, Maes got sick and Ed decided to stay. As much as he wanted to see his brother getting married, he had his own family now, and obligations which came along with it. He sent a short telegram with apologies.

Two weeks later he received a letter with several photographs of Al and Mei grinning happily to the camera. In the letter Al was telling Ed not to worry and that he understood.

 

In the end of the fourth year, he opened their door and was met with straggling hugs from Mrs. Hughes and Elicia, who had grown so much he barely recognised her. Mustang was smiling from behind them. Ed was laughing happily.

It was refreshing to see his friends after such a long time, and Ed wondered at what point he started thinking of Mustang as an old friend, and was it perhaps just a formality for his brain as he couldn’t probably always call the man his former superior officer. Besides, Mustang brought him several books Ed hadn’t read yet.

“Most of them are nothing special, but I managed to find one rather old edition of that alchemist you were ranting about a few years ago, and I can bet my left leg that you’ve never read it before,” Mustang said with a mocking smile.

Ed wanted to hug him and kick him with his own left leg at the same time, but he just smiled and thanked the man.

Ed didn’t notice how the two of them ended up sitting on the couch talking while Elicia was in the bedroom playing with Maes whose happy laugh was heard through the door, and Winry and Mrs. Hughes were doing something in the kitchen.

They were slowly sipping the whiskey Mustang had also brought with him, insisting that now that Ed was older, he refused to have a grown up conversation with him without the addition of a fine alcohol. Whiskey strongly smelled like oak, and Ed wondered absentmindedly why this scent was so familiar.

Talking with Mustang was a breath of fresh air, he couldn’t ignore this even if he tried. They talked about everything and nothing, remembering old days, Mustang shared some fresh rumors from his office, and also mentioned some new researches in alchemy which he came across.

“Not much to do for a genius like you in Rush Valley, I see,” Mustang said with a polite smile and Ed wasn’t sure whether it was a question or a statement.

Ed didn’t comment.

They exchanged their usual mocking, Mustang joking about his height again, though Ed was now almost as tall as the General. Ed made him stand up to check.

“See,” he said. The edge of his palm pressing to Mustang’s brows indicating Ed’s height. _“Almost as tall as you,”_ he wanted to say, but didn’t. Mustang breathed out in the little space between them, Ed breathed in. The air smelled like oak.

Ed blinked and sit back on the couch. The conversation resumed as if nothing happened and Mustang didn’t say anything about his height again.

They shaked hands when Ed’s guests were leaving. Mustang didn’t have his gloves on. His hand was warm. Ed’s eyes fixed on the white scar on the back of the man’s hand. He may have hold his hand a flicker of a moment longer than he was supposed to.

After Ed closed the door behind their guests, he realised that for the hours he had been talking with the man, he didn’t feel the urge to yell at him like before. Perhaps he was just an adult now.

Winry said that she hadn’t seen him smiling so brightly lately.

“Just happy to see others,” he answered. “And look at the books Mustang gave me! I am taking back all the insults I’ve ever said about him!”

“I guess it felt good to talk with the Brigadier-General. I’m sorry I can’t discuss alchemy with you, Ed. Perhaps you should call him from time to time, you must be bored to death sitting here,” she said. “I promise to think about moving to Central after the kids are a bit older, ok? Do you think that lab which sent you an offer last year would still accept you?” she asked. “I think they would, you are a genius after all!”

Ed spent almost all night buried in the new books until it was already bright outside. He went to sleep with a weird heavy feeling settling down in his chest.

 

“How does it feel?” Winry asked him suddenly a few days later.

“What?”

“How does it feel, to be without alchemy? I wanted to ask you for a long time, but it didn’t seem like a good idea, when all this just happened. I thought it might be easier for you to talk about it after some time passed.”

How did it feel? It felt like losing a limb.

No, it was worse actually. The limbs he replaced with automail - there was nothing that could replace his Gate. It was a constant feeling of a dragging emptiness inside. Inside all of him. It was a constant annoying tickling at the back of his conscience of something being not right, of something important missing in his very being. He had considered himself half of a man when he was wearing two prosthetic limbs. But now he knew that he was whole back then.

At first he hoped that this black bottomless emptiness would heal with time. Then he hoped that perhaps it may at least become smaller. When it didn’t shift after the years, he tried to fill it with whatever he could find fitting.

He knew it was a fair price for getting his brother back and he couldn’t complain. When Maes was born and the drawing black hole in his soul didn’t become less painful, he mentally added his family on the side of the scale where Al already was. It was his equivalent exchange. It was all worth it.

But it never became easier. Every time he opened an alchemy book, every time he drew an array which he couldn’t use - could _never_ use - it felt like reaching desperately for something that wasn’t there anymore. It was a reminder that nothing in this world could fill this hole he had. He would wander in the darkness for eternity.

So how did it feel, she asked him. _“Like there is never enough air in my lungs,_ ” he wanted to say. _“Like my heart was ripped from my body and I can’t hear it beating anymore,”_ he wanted to say. _“Like there is a dark abyss in the place where my soul is supposed to be and there is nothing in this world that can fill it,_ ” he wanted to say. But she would not understand. How could she, this wonderful strong woman, who was so whole, how could she understand what it felt like to be dragging your own corpse within yourself?

So instead he forced his usual smile on his face and said:

“It’s fine.”

 

He woke up the day of his birthday the next year and felt that he was suffocating.

The feeling didn’t pass for the whole day. He felt too big for their small house. The walls were pressing on him, the air thick in his lungs.

Winry gave him a book as a present.

“I remember how happy you were when the General brought you all those books, so I thought you might want to read something new,” she said. He kissed her and smiled. He put the book on the shelf to never take it from there again - it was one he read several times when he was a kid.

Maes gave him a drawing of their family: he and Winry holding hands, Maes sitting on Ed’s shoulders like the boy loved to do so much, little newborn Nina lying on Winry’s free hand. The drawing was clumsy but it raised a warm feeling in Ed’s chest and he smiled brightly to his son. He put the drawing on his table. Maes was very proud his father approved of his present.

At the end of the day Ed went to sleep hoping that the tight fist around his chest would disappear in the morning.

He woke up to the feeling of a staggering fear washing over him. The walls were pressing again and there was not enough air, there was not enough movement, there was not enough… _something_ , anything!

The feeling didn’t pass that day either when Al and Mei arrived from Xing to wish him a happy birthday.

Al noticed that something was off with him, but Ed didn’t know how to answer his worried questions. He didn’t know what was happening to him himself.

Al and Mei left after a few days. Ed saw them off from the station while Winry stayed at the house with the kids.

“You should come to visit us in Xing,” said Mei. “Yeah, when Nina is a bit older, you all should totally come,” said Al. “Maybe next year?’

Yeah, maybe next year, Ed thought.

They were waving at him from the window while the train started moving.

Ed was standing on the platform trying to breath through the sudden panic attack, trying to calm his body swarming him with intensive shouting messages of his “kick or run” reaction which came out of thin air. And the leaving train’s tail was the only thing he could focus on, his vision blurry.

Maybe next year, he thought. When Nina is a bit older.

And maybe a few years after that he can convince Winry to move to Central and maybe he will still be able to find a job in some lab or university. How old will he be then? And maybe, when the kids are old enough to go to school, he can start traveling from time to time. Sure Winry wouldn’t mind then.

He should just wait. He had a good life: lovely wife, amazing kids. He had his books, he can go to Central City and buy new ones. Or ask someone to send him them if Winry would need him here. Maybe he can write Mustang - the books the man brought him last year were a great choice and Ed was sure he wouldn’t even have to ask the man for anything specific - he spent years at the side of the Flame Alchemist, they were thinking alike in so many ways - for sure the man would know what would be the best choice of books to send Ed.

And he should’ve asked Al the same. He will send him a letter today.

There were no worries in his life. His life was safe and stable. That was what he was fighting for - for a life like that. It was perfect.

Then why was he…

... _suffocating_?

 

Sixth year they started fighting. It was small things. But during one fight he spit out that he couldn’t sit here anymore, on one place, raising kids, doing so little, seeing so little. He wanted to travel, he wanted to explore the world, he wanted to meet new people, he wanted to read new books and learn new things.

Winry cried. She begged him not to leave them.  She got angry. She screamed that he was like his father. He didn’t say anything. He spent the night in the hotel. Winry came for him in the morning, apologising. He accepted that but deep inside him the thought had settled.

 

Later that year the university in Central he had been sending the researches he managed to perform with what limited arsenal he had in Rush Valley, offered him a position in their staff. It wasn’t the first time, and he had declined it every time for the sake of Winry and the kids. This time he raised the question of moving to Central.

They agreed that he would go there and take the position and see if it fit him well, while Winry would stay in Rush Valley with the kids. It was just temporary, she couldn’t just move her workshop to Central in one day - she had clients here and the next few months were full of appointments. It was all right. He would try to visit them on weekends and would check for a good place to open a workshop in Central. And it could be a good break for him if he was so tired of Rush Valley, she said.

 

They saw him off at the station. He kissed Winry and the kids, Nina is too little yet to understand that her dad was leaving. “ _Just for a few months_ ,” Ed had to remind himself. It was nothing like what his dad did. He will be together with his kids soon, he was not _leaving_ them. He tried to explain it to a three-year-old Maes, clinging to his leg, drenching his pants in tears, and this made Ed’s heart hurt.

_I am not my dad._

“I am not leaving forever, Maes. I will come back in a couple of weeks and I will spend the whole weekend with you, I promise!”

He was not his dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest, I don't like this chapter, but we need to get into the main part somehow. I promise the rest of the story is much better and heavier on feelings, angst and all that stuff. Be ready for the heartache, I'm serious. But I guess those of you who've read my series "the wars we wage" should already know what to expect from me ahah


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you have any regrets?"

_There's no right choice in real  life - there is only the choice, which has been made, and its consequences._

©  _Elchin Safarli_.

 

It was refreshing. First week in Central flew like one day. He started his work at the University, and he couldn’t get enough of just talking about alchemy with those who understood it.

He went to Rush Valley on the weekend and was happy to see his family again, and yet couldn’t wait to be back in the city.

On the second week he was literally dragged by Havoc from the University once he finished there. The laughing lieutenant told him it was Mustang’s idea to catch Ed after his work and drive him to Central Command to see the others, because otherwise they all suspected Ed would never set his foot on the grounds. The man himself apparently learnt about Ed’s relocation from Mrs. Hughes, who Ed visited the day after he arrived there. Ed grumbled a bit but as they entered the office and Ed was met with joyful greetings and pats on the back from Mustang’s team, all doubts about being back in this building left him, and he let himself relax in the company of people he considered friends. They asked him about his kids, and he showed them the photo of his family he kept in his pocket.

“Hey, General, looks like we found you someone who can entertain you with photos of his kids, I bet you’ve missed it!” Havoc smiled to Mustang, who just joined them coming from his own office.

“Oh, please, Edward, I hope you will not. I think this is the only thing I don’t miss actually.”

“Don’t worry, Mustang  - wasn’t planning to see your bastardly face that often anyway.”

“Oh, what a shame, Edward, it’s been almost two years, haven’t you missed me?” Mustang asked with a chuckle.

The thing was that he actually did. It wasn’t anything special, but he basically spent his most intense years at the side of this man and it would be a lie if he said he didn’t learn anything from him. Al and Mustang were probably the only two people in Ed’s life he actually considered on par with him both in alchemical knowledge and intellectual capacity. Even though Mustang was more focused on his political career than on improving his alchemical skills, he still kept an eye out for the new researches in alchemy. And Al was so far away now, and Mustang was here.

Ed stayed until everyone finished with their work, though that probably happened much earlier than Hawkeye would want to judging by her not very happy expression when, after Mustang managed to whine his way out of some additional paperwork, she let them all go.

They spent the next couple of hours in a bar. Ed was overwhelmed with the loud, joyful conversations, talking about the things in Central, Havoc bragging about his new girlfriend, who, he was surprised, hadn't been stolen by Mustang yet, the man himself laughing and looking more relaxed than Ed had probably ever seen him.

Fuery and Falman left first, then Breda dragged a drunken Havoc out of the bar, and Ed didn’t even notice that for at least an hour it was just him and Mustang sitting across the table, the conversation shifting first to some political issues the man came across recently, Ed being sincerely interested in the progress Mustang had been making for the last few years, and then they naturally ended up talking about alchemy. Ed missed that. The conversation which kept him on his toes, the conversation with someone who understood what he was breathing with, what it was that was driving him.

It was long after midnight when they finally left the bar. Ed, drunk with still lingering excitement  from spending such a great time with people he missed so much and actually a bit tipsy and dizzy from all the beer he drank, patted Mustang’s arm, absolutely not using the man to keep his balance.

“You are ok, Mustang, I knew you could turn off your bastardness if you wanted. We gotta repeat this someday.”

“Please, Ed, just Roy is fine. As for repeat, I still have some things to discuss with you - you sure missed a lot being so far from civilization―”

“Are you calling Rush Valley some shithole?!”

“I am not, Edward. How about Friday? If we end up drinking again, we won’t have to worry about being presentable at our jobs the next day.”

“Hawkeye is gonna kick your ass tomorrow, isn’t she?”

“I sure hope not, but the possibility is getting higher with every minute.”

“Um, yeah, Friday is fine. But I’m not going to Headquarters, today was an exception, I fucking hate the place.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Ed. Just give me a call during the day when you know when you are going to finish, I’ll pick you up.”

“Who are you calling so small you can pick it up from the ground with just two fingers and put in your pocket?!” It must have been the beer, Ed thought. He blinked, stunned by his own reaction; he thought he abandoned it long ago.

Mustang opened his mouth with surprise and then suddenly started laughing, throwing his head back, tears glistening in the corners of his eyes.

“Oh, Edward, I’ve missed you,” the man said between laughs.

 _It_ must _be the beer._

“Yeah, whatever, fucking bastard,” Ed mumbled under his breath, feeling his cheeks heating up with his own suppressed laugh, embarrassment and something else. He turned around and started walking away.

“Good night, Ed.”

“Night, Roy.”

_‘I’ve missed you too’._

 

They met again on Friday. And then on the next Friday. And the one after that.

He didn’t notice when Friday evenings became also Thursday’s and sometimes Sundays, if he didn’t come back from Rush Valley too late.

And after some point, when he would leave the university and some evenings find Roy there, waiting for him, it was hard to ignore how everything in him would clench and flip at the view with some stupid teenager-like excitement Ed hadn’t felt for years.

It was hard to brush aside how suddenly aware Ed became of the way Roy would smile with just the corners of his lips, eyes never leaving Ed’s face, when Ed would be telling him about his week when they sit in the bar or in Roy’s living room.

He could not ignore the near besotted feeling when they would discuss new alchemy theories or argue about relevance of old arrays, and Ed would storm to Roy’s table standing in the corner of the man’s living room, would grab the nearest piece of paper to cover it with arrays and alchemy symbols, never stopping in his loud rants trying to prove Roy some point. Almost screaming he would nearly shove the paper in Roy’s face, “See?!” and the man would answer something which would make Ed angry, but happy at the same time, because so many emotions were filling him, burning in him, every time he was with this man, and his every breath was worth taking, and Ed would snap and call Roy “bastard” while trying not to laugh, but the man would actually start laughing, and the sound of it absolutely didn’t tickle each of Ed’s nerve with exhilaration.

And sometimes it was him waiting for Roy standing outside of the Central headquarters chatting with the guards. Sometimes he would come there too early and Havoc or Breda would catch him on their way from work and drag him to a bar, and it was not bad either. But most of the times he would wait for Roy and they would walk the city to Ed’s flat or Roy’s house, talking, and if the man was surprised the first time he found Ed standing near the gates of Military Command, he didn’t show it.

It was almost natural, how they both shifted to this friendship, despite all their disagreements in the past, and Ed couldn’t remember anymore why he was so annoyed with the man before. It was so obvious now how similar they both were, how easily they understood each other. Ed didn’t notice how these evenings with Roy became something essential, and despite it being just a few weeks it felt like they were doing these for years. He would still occasionally fall for the man’s mocking and snap and yell at him, but it felt more like a tradition to be preserved than a genuine fight.

And after some time, too short to justify such a big change, Ed found himself waiting impatiently for the weekends, which he spent in Rush Valley, to end, so he could go back to Central, so he could discuss with Roy some new theories his brain came up with during these two days. He found himself spacing out more and more when he was home with his family trying to listen to what Winry was telling him - her ideas for automail mostly mixed with some rumors heard from her clients. He would apologise when she noticed, and feel the bite of guilt and something else he couldn’t yet name, but this new feeling was growing inside him, making him nervous over something, making him anxious.

It was stronger when he played with Maes, the little boy so happy every time his dad came home, it was stronger when he kissed Nina good night. It was stronger when he craved for another conversation when talking with Winry, it was stronger when he would hop on the train to Central, too excited at the idea of going back there, and it was stronger when he didn’t want to say to his kids goodbye again. And when he would be halfway to Central, sitting on the train, already missing his kids, he would also think that if he went straight to Roy’s house when he arrived, they could have a couple of hours to talk before he should go to his apartment.

And at that moment the guilt would felt so clear for Ed, but he couldn’t quite place the reason for it to even exist - he was not doing anything wrong, so he assumed that perhaps this might be connected to this unpleasant tickling in the back of his conscious making him feel that something was off, and he thought that as soon as he understood what feeling it was, he would see the reason for that guilt to even exist.

And it was the same every Sunday.

It was the same when one of those evenings he took a cab from the Central station to Roy’s house. It was the same, as he knocked at the man’s door and after a few moments it opened to a black haired man who smiled warmly as he saw Ed on his porch. It was the same, as Ed entered the house, not even trying to fight his own smile at Roy’s  “Welcome back, Ed”. And it was the same as he led Ed to the kitchen with “I knew you’d probably come straight here, you must be hungry, I got you some food from that Xingan place you were so excited about the other day”.

It was the same when Ed was sitting there inhaling his food and trying to talk through it about this idea which just came to him while he was on a train, and he can’t do it himself, because he can’t use alchemy, but he will draw the array and make Roy try it, it will be awesome, Roy, just let me finish this pie…

And Roy was sitting across him, waiting patiently while Ed was eating, and he asked him some question about this idea of his, and he laughed a couple of times when the piece of food in Ed’s mouth prevented him from articulating his words clearly and they came out sounding muffled and funny, and Ed wanted to get angry at the man laughing at him, but there was no mockery in those dark eyes, and they looked at Ed with so much affection it was impossible to ignore.

And it all was the same…

Except that this time it wasn’t.

And Ed trailed off and averted his gaze, and he put the rest of his meal aside as he felt a sudden wave of nausea raising up from his stomach and his head spinning and his heart is suddenly beating somewhere in his throat, because the thought which just flicked in his mind, too fast, but not slow enough for Ed not to notice it, was: “I feel more at home here than there”. And maybe if Ed ignored it, it would disappear, but now it was too late, because with this thought, which was not that special on its own, he could finally give a name to this toxic feeling torturing him for the last few weeks.

And now, when he knew what it was, he couldn’t stop his mind from a wave of “what if” questions washing over him, and it was wrong, and it was sick, and it made Ed _feel_ sick, and he couldn’t deal with it now, he _didn’t_ _want_ to deal with it neither now nor ever. And he excused himself, and stood up from the table awkwardly, trying not to look at Roy, ignoring his question, and he rushed from the house.

He was walking to his apartment building, feeling the beginning of a headache blooming behind his eyes, and he couldn’t help but curse under his breath.

The feeling he hoped to never experience in his life again, the feeling that managed to appear again in the situation he least expected it to, the feeling which he knew would not go away on its own until something was done with it, the feeling, which combined with the already constantly hurting dark emptiness, and rooting in it, just turned Ed’s world upside down, twisting it from something bright and safe to dark and unstable, was something that Ed had never learnt how to deal with.

He made mistakes in his life and he always tried to fix them.

He knew what it was regretting something he did.

He didn’t know how to deal with having regrets over something he would never have. 

 

When it first happened, Ed almost thought it was real. Roy rocking his hips slowly and Ed moaning his name over and over again so it sounded like a mantra. But as Ed was gripping the sheets, getting closer, and closer… He woke up to his empty bed and a boner between his legs, thankful that this dream happened when he was alone in his flat in Central.

And he decided not to think much about it, as he was lying in the bed, trying to erase any memories of this dream from his mind, because Ed was a man of science and he knew that when it happened just once it meant nothing, just his mind playing tricks combining the lack of sex in his life these last couple of months and Ed’s excitement when he was meeting with Roy.

But then it happened again, and again.

And he would wake up from those dreams which tortured him like they were nightmares as he couldn’t - he just _couldn’t -_ accept that it was what he apparently wanted deep inside, and his stomach would flip and turn. And he would go to the bathroom and stand under a cold shower until his blood was no longer boiling in his veins, until there was no more tight heat coiling low in his abdomen, until he didn’t have to fight the urge to touch himself, because if he would - it would be to the thought of the black haired man when it was a blond woman he should be thinking about at such moments.

And on some nights cold water would feel hot on his skin and would only fuel the fire burning inside him, and he would give himself up to his arousal, and reach with his hand down to grab his cock, bringing himself to release, which would not bring any relief at all, and afterwards he would want to cram his fingers down his throat and throw up because these dreams, these _thoughts,_ these pictures inside his head he let himself surrender to, were against everything he built his life around.

And on some nights he actually would.

Every day was torture.

Every night was hell.

 

"Do you have any regrets?” he asked Roy during one of the evenings they spent  in Roy’s house. The man was half lying in the armchair while Ed was pouring them both a drink - if he became an alcoholic he would know who to blame. “No, wait, that came out wrong. Do you regret any of your decisions?”

“I regret a lot of things, Ed. I’m sure you are aware of it.”

“No, Roy, that’s not what I am asking. What you’re saying you regret you had no power over back when you did it. Do you have any regrets over something that you personally decided to do or not to? Some choices you’ve made?” Ed crossed the room and gave the man his glass, their fingers brushing lightly. He sit on the couch and stretched his legs in front of him.

“Why do you ask, Ed?”

“Can you just answer?”

“I don’t think it is possible to live till my age without regretting not doing something when you wanted to. But that is it, Ed - if there is an actual choice there shouldn’t be any regret about choosing one of the options even if it didn’t work out well for you in the end.”

“How these two are different?”

“Well, you see, if you had a choice between two equivalent options, then whatever you chose was the best possible solution for you back then. And that past you is not responsible for your current change of mind. There is no point in blaming him - yourself - for doing what he - you - wanted to do. But when the choice is whether to take the risky turn in your life or stay where you are, it is different - in that case you are basically choosing between your want and your fear of changes. And deciding against it will always stay in your memory as a lost opportunity.”

“And you have such lost opportunities?”

“I do.”

“Do you... Do you think it would be better if you took that opportunity you had?’

“I don’t know. But I think about it every day. Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Have lost opportunities.”

“I… I’m not sure.”

“Well, the best you can do to avoid such regrets is to be honest with yourself and at any time in your life make a decision based not only on a mere necessity but on your want as well. Besides, some lost opportunities can just seem to be lost. Do you know what you want, Ed?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know what you want?”

“I don’t know if I know what I want.”

“That’s a bit complicated.”

_You have no idea._

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

 

The first time they fucked was an accident. And it wasn’t even fucking as it is, so maybe it didn’t count.

Roy invited him for drinks after work. They spent an hour at the bar drinking, they spent a few wandering the city and talking, talking.

Ed didn’t remember how they ended up in front of Roy’s house, but they went inside and drank some more, sitting in front of the fireplace arguing about some new alchemy theories. And he had this feeling in his chest again - a nostalgia for something that will never be.

“Why aren’t you married yet?” he asked.

“It is hard to find someone who would understand me and accept me as I am. I’ve made mistakes in my life, I’ve done horrible things. Not everyone can accept me like that.”

_I can._

“You were truly lucky to marry your childhood friend,” Roy said. “I suppose no one could understand you as well as someone you grew up with.”

 _‘You can,’_ Ed wanted to say. But instead he just nodded.

He didn’t remember who made the first move. Though it probably was him, because he doubted Roy would do anything knowing that he was married. No, it was not true - he didn’t think Roy would do anything because he had never thought Roy would be interested.

He was.

They both were a bit tipsy, and the couch was not the most comfortable place, but they couldn’t stop. It was sloppy and messy. Roy smelled like oak and the air before storm. And what a fucking irony it was - the man whose worst enemy was water smelled like rain. And that was it, wasn’t it? Solid, strong and at the same time fresh, dangerous and very confusing - and Ed thought that perhaps the scent is just a product of his own mind.

And he couldn’t get enough of it.

They didn’t even take off their clothes when they were jerking each other off, giving each other bruising desperate kisses, like hormone-crazed teenagers.

It ended fast, leaving the bitter taste of a mistake. Roy came first on Ed’s stomach, Ed, with a strangled cry, followed, not even trying to understand what Roy was muttering in his ear. And as the last drop of cum left Ed’s body, the pleasant tickling spread through him, sending sparkles along his nerves, cumulating on the tips of his fingers.

And for the first time in a long time there was suddenly enough air in his lungs that he wouldn’t choke. Air with a smell of ozone and oak. And for a flicker of a moment, so brief that later he would think he just imagined that, the feeling of something long forgotten filled his body from head to toes. Roy gasped in his ear, his body in Ed’s arms tensed, and the strange feeling disappeared.

The reality washed over him with the realisation of what he just did.

He stormed off not even looking at the other man.

 

He hadn’t seen Roy for two weeks. Two weeks of self loathing and doubting his every thought, his every wish.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

After work he went straight to Roy’s house. It was still too early for the man to be home, but Ed didn’t care. He was sitting on the porch, when a car stopped in front of the house and when Ed looked up at it, he caught a confused look in Havoc’s eyes and an expressionless one from Roy, who exited the car telling something to Havoc, and started walking to the house. Ed couldn’t meet his eyes but he could feel the man looking at him. He stood up and let Roy open the door.

Neither of them said anything until they were both inside.

When Ed heard the sound of the car driving away, he turned to look at Roy.

“Am I bad for wanting this?” he asked simply, trying to see through Roy’s mask if the man understood what Ed was asking him.

Roy measured him for a couple of moments and then proceeded to the living room.

“Can it be bad wanting something for yourself?” Roy asked pouring whiskey in two glasses and giving one to Ed.

“That is what I asked you!”

“No, you asked if _you_ are bad. You are trying to treat good and bad as qualities, Ed, when they are just social constructions based on whether someone follows the same rules, set by their social group. And perception of good and bad depends on the one perceiving it. I prefer choosing my own frame of reality instead of following the frame set by someone else.”

“You always have to answer a simple question with a lecture?!”

They were now sitting on their usual places - Roy in his armchair close to the fireplace and Ed on the couch.

“It was not a simple question, Ed.”

“I just want to know your personal opinion.”

“What you want, Ed, is for me to decide for you if your impulse is good or bad. I will not do this. Every single impulse can be good at one time and bad at another. But it is easier for you to make things black and white, isn’t it, Ed? It is a comfortable excuse not to think too hard about the messy reality of your life.”

“Why do you have to make it even more difficult for me than it already is…” Ed said, gulping down his whole drink, which made both of them wince.

“I’m sorry, Ed, but you are the one who should decide it. Some time ago I asked you if you knew what you wanted. Do you now?”

“Yes,”  Ed felt that it was the only thing on his mind for the last month. The realisation didn’t come easy to him, but as painful as it was, he couldn’t deny it anymore.

“And this, what you want, makes you think you are a bad person?”

“I am married, Roy.”

“I am aware of that, Ed.”

“Don’t you think it is bad by default? Doesn’t it make you bad too for letting me do this?”

“I don’t define myself by my desires, Ed. And as much as I respect you and your wife, it doesn’t make your family any of my responsibility. I am not forcing you into anything, Ed. I will have whatever little you can give me.”

Ed’s fingers were white around the empty glass. He put it on a table. Roy wanted it too. Why did he want it - _him_? It would be so much easier for Ed - for all of them - if it was Ed’s desire only. He’d live with that, he’d cope with that. He’d forget about it eventually.

His life was almost perfect. He had a lovely loving wife who was also his close friend. He had two amazing children. Everything was great. But was it? Was it really that perfect if Ed was sitting now in Roy’s house, on Roy’s couch - the same couch where the two of them fucked just a couple of weeks ago? Would Ed be here, asking the man who he cheated on his wife with, if he considered Ed a bad person for wanting him, if everything in Ed’s life was really that perfect? Was it just him? Was it just him being a freak, not being able to value what he had? Or was it just a lack of sex affecting his mind, his decisions? What was that which was pulling him towards Roy with such force that even his feeling of obligation, even his conscience were not able to keep him away from this house, away from this man, weren’t able to keep his dreams free of those dark piercing eyes, strong hands with white scars on them?..

“But is me being married not a problem for you at all?”

Roy sighed, finished his drink, setting a glass on the table beside Ed’s.

“It is,” he answered without looking at the young man.

“So?”

“So, nothing, Ed. It is indeed a problem for me but not like you think it is and certainly not like it is for you.”

“You evasive bastard…”

“I’m happy you still call me that, Ed. But what you are asking me now is to define for you if you are allowed to do what you want or not. And I am not going to make this decision for you, Ed.”

And Ed couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed, though he understood that Roy was right. Yet he half expected - he _hoped -_ the man to send him away, to say that the last time was a drunk mistake, that he didn’t want to do anything with a married man, that he didn’t want Ed in particular, that―

But he said nothing of it.

He said nothing while Ed was sitting there for several minutes thinking, but nothing new, nothing he hadn’t rolled in his head for these last two weeks, came up to his mind now. It was all already decided when Ed came here today and asked Roy that question.

Roy said nothing when Ed stood up and crossed the distance between them, and paused in front of the sitting man, still hoping that Roy would either stop him or make the first move taking at least a part of this responsibility from Ed’s shoulders.

But he did nothing, and this was only fair.

But as Ed leaned down and brushed Roy’s lips with his, he felt two strong hands grabbing him and pulling him closer until Ed was straddling Roy, and the man was covering Ed’s lips with a hungry kiss.

The second time they fucked was not an accident. The second time they really fucked was because Ed showed Roy that he wanted it.

This time they made it properly - naked and in bed.

The moment Roy took him the rest of Ed’s doubts left him, leaving a remote feeling on the verge of his psyche of how right it felt, and if he could just have it, just for himself, without his conscience piercing him with guilt every time he just thought about it, if he just could―

With the orgasm the feeling he had their first time together washed over him again, almost staying long enough for him to draw in a breath. It disappeared as fast as it came, and Ed caught the shudder through Roy’s body on his and the sharply drawn breath at that moment. But this time there was no mistaking it - for this short little flicker of a moment Ed was whole again and the bottomless abyss inside him was filled.

“Ed?..”

He wanted to feel guilty, he wanted to despise himself but these emotions were overwhelmed with a little incipient hope, which only reminded him of what he could never have.

He wanted to stay, but he left again.

He was wandering empty night streets, trying to understand what happened, trying to find any excuse for what he had done. He even tried to erase the memory from his mind, but he could still feel the lingering sensation of Roy’s cock in him, of Roy’s hot mouth on his, of Roy’s warm strong hands on his body.

The body which was now shuddering, struggling to comprehend what he had just done, to fit the enormity of his realisation in the limited cage of his mind, struggling against two opposite impulses, tearing him apart. His want - his _need_ \- and his obligation facing each other in a fight inside his conscience, the fight none of them could win and whatever will - it will ruin him in the process. His head was reeling, and he was gasping for air feeling as panic was not allowing him to fill his lungs with air. He fell down on his knees and threw up, eyes filling with tears he blamed on the horrible taste of his own vomit on the back of his tongue and in his nose. He was disgusted by himself.

He ended up sitting on a bench in the empty dark park.

It was so quiet outside of his body.

It was so loud inside.

 

He decided to stay in Central on the weekend. He gave Winry a call telling her the university wanted him to read about some of his theories to the delegation of students arriving from East city. But in fact he couldn’t face her then. Not yet. The memory of what he did - of what he _deliberately_ did - was still too fresh.

So he would just stay in his flat, trying to distract himself by reading or checking his student’s papers.

 

On Friday he received a package from Al. Inside there were several photographs of some very old book’s pages covered with arrays and tiny handwriting. Al also send some notes taken with his own hand and a letter.

 

_Brother!_

_I found this book recently in the palace’s library. It is very old, written by some alchemist who is believed to be from Xerxes! Xerxes, brother! They of course didn’t allow me to take it from the library, but I found something interesting  - this alchemist was researching ways of using other alchemists Gates! I don’t really understand everything he wrote, I am not sure he was not insane, and the language doesn’t make it any simpler... But what I figured out, I sent you in the notes - I believe most of his notes do not necessarily correlate with the arrays, and I suggest you focus more on the arrays. Maybe you will see something I didn’t._

_This could be a great chance for you, brother! Just imagine - maybe you can get your alchemy back!_

_But don’t be too carried away with this - I know how easily you can lose track of time while researching something!_

_I hope you are doing fine, brother._

_I miss you and I hope I’ll be able to visit you in Central next month - I have some business to take care of there._

_Let me know if you manage to figure out something from this book!_

_Love,_

_Al._

 

On Saturday he got a call from Havoc who invited him to join them in a bar.

Roy was there too. Ed tried really hard to pretend the presence of the man didn’t make him nervous.

It became much easier after a few drinks.

 

On Sunday morning he woke up in Roy’s bed.

They didn’t talk about it.

 

They never talked about it.

They still spent evenings discussing alchemy theories, Ed complaining about some other university professors thinking they were better than him just because they were older and could use alchemy. Roy would smile on that and look in Ed’s eyes with his piercing gaze as if trying to find some answers there, but he never asked Ed how it felt not having a Gate anymore, and Ed never talked about it.

From time to time their conversation would suddenly slip into something more personal, resulting in Ed asking Roy about Ishval, and the man would tell him about his nightmares. Just like that, without even a blink of an eye, he would share this with Ed and never ask for the same in return.

They would have sex, usually after the topics for their conversation exhausted themselves. Sometimes - as soon as they entered Roy’s house. Ed would stand in the hall, letting the man peel him out of his coat and shirt. He would let Roy undo his belt and the fly of his pants, and watch Roy kneeling for him.

They would collect their clothes afterwards and sit in the living room and would talk about the usual things as if nothing happened.

But never about this. Neither of them had ever mentioned this shift in their relationship. And Ed was silently grateful for Roy not raising the topic. If they never talked about this he could almost pretend that nothing was happening. Giving it voice was what would make it real. And Ed wasn’t ready to stop lying to himself.

They were friends. It was just sex. Nothing else.

But it was still cheating, and Ed was hating himself for that.

He hated himself more when he would wake up from a loud snap of fingers, and open his eyes to see a scowl on Roy’s face and his shaking hand in the air pointing at something in the dark, and he would wake the man up and make him look in his eyes and he would talk to him, convincing him that it was a dream, that he didn’t have to kill anyone anymore, and Roy’s hand would shake in Ed’s tight grip.

Ed would hate himself even more when he was the one woken up by Roy from his own nightmares. He would hate how calming the man’s voice sounded in his ear. Ed would hate how natural it felt when Roy was holding him, pressing Ed’s back to his chest. Ed would hate himself for wanting the possibility of this to be his life, for wanting this man to be his. He would hate himself for the “what if's” flooding his mind and he would hate himself for finding refuge in the belief that he was the only one having such thoughts.

He would wake up the next morning in a tangled mess of sheets, pressed to a warm strong body beside him, he would get out of the bed slowly, trying not to disturb Roy’s peaceful sleep, and go shower to wash away the smell of sex from his skin, because in one hour he would be sitting on the train heading to Rush Valley where Winry and their kids would be waiting for him on the platform. He would smile to them and grab a laughing Maes and put him on his shoulders, and the little boy would hold tight to Ed’s long hair, while Ed would plant a gentle kiss on Nina’s cheek and then one on her mother’s lips, trying to banish the thought of the man he woke up with just several hours ago from his mind, and they would all go home, and Ed would rant about his work, about his students and colleges, and Winry would be holding his hand and looking at him with admiration, a smiling Nina in the crook of her arm, a laughing Maes on Ed’s shoulders - the picture of a perfect family.

And weeks after weeks were passing before Ed’s eyes, twisting his sense of time and reality - he spent his days in the university teaching young alchemists something that he could never use, he spent his evenings working with the old research his brother sent him, like a drowning man reaching with his hand, grasping air pointlessly, trying to find something, _anything_ , to drag him out of the suffocating abyss, he didn’t want to let go of the hope that these several pieces of disarranged arrays could hold the key to make him feel whole again, even if it could only be temporary.

He spent his Friday nights in a bed with his former commanding officer, a man who was fourteen years older than Ed, a man who Ed craved, only to be back in his home with his family on weekends, lying to his wife, to his kids, to himself. And with every passing week he found himself being dragged in a deep mire of this routine, which went on loop over and over and over again, until he couldn’t stop it anymore, until he started doubting which of his desires were even real.

And at nights those darks eyes were haunting his dreams. More than once Winry would wake him up, taking his muffled moans as a sign that he was having a nightmare. And he would go to the bathroom, praying she didn’t notice his erection. He would jerk off quickly and quietly to the memory of strong hands in white gloves with red arrays on them holding him by his hips, of the heated kisses  and dark hungry eyes. He would clean himself and not look in the mirror on his way back to the bedroom where he would quietly lay down beside his wife, who always shifted to wrap her arm around his chest. He would fall asleep quickly only to wake up in the morning to the feeling of self-loathing.

She’d ask him in the morning what he was dreaming about, and he would say that he didn’t remember already to not make her worry, to not make himself come up with some idea about his dream that would be even more of a lie than his answer. And it wasn’t even anything unusual, because that was what he answered every time when he had an actual nightmare - there was no point in letting Winry know about the visions twisting his dreams, driving him crazy, making him doubt if he was still alive, or died back then a long time ago trying to bring his mother back, or maybe in that rubble with a piece of rebar piercing through his body, or later facing the Truth again asking to get his brother back, and maybe it wasn’t his Gate it took as a price but his whole body, leaving his mind wander in emptiness, stuck in a neverending loop of revisiting the most dreadful moments of his life, again, again and again...

Winry never understood his nightmares. She didn’t know what he felt and how to help him. She would wake him up and run soothing circles with her hand along his back. He would recognise a surprised look on her face during nights like that. She didn’t understand.

She didn’t have this dark suffocating void inside of her. She couldn’t help him.

But Roy… It was different with Roy.

Roy had demons inside of him. They could hide in Ed’s darkness.  

They both had their scars, which they will carry with them forever, bruises from the long forgotten past, which they can never get rid off entirely. White traces of destroyed skin, hurting marks on their hearts, heavy weight on their feet and shoulders dragging them down, back. Tight fists around their chests, making their breaths catch, the faint sensation of an arm with sharp nails on their throats, holding, controlling, not letting go. _‘You will always remember'_ , whispers in one ear, _'You will never forget'_ a husky chuckle in another.  
And if they could just rip their skin off, rip their souls out of their bodies, it would stay with them, it will always stay with them.

The quiet silent ghost behind their shoulders, smiling:  
_‘I will never leave you’._

 

And here, back home, with his family, with the wife Ed was suppose to love, to _miss_ , after spending his whole week away from her, everything was different now.

Her smell, her touches, the sound of her voice were not moving anything inside Ed anymore and he struggled to remember how it was their first year together when the feelings were still raw. And except for some images of them smiling to each other, holding hands, making love or simply sitting on their couch cuddling, Winry's head resting on his shoulder, his memory didn't hold anything else - emotions and feelings he had back then faded with time and with his freshly discovered feelings for Roy. Feelings which he didn’t want to name, because if there was still a way for him to escape this loop, this routine he was stuck in, it would vanish as soon as it will become something more than just two friends sleeping with each other.

And he wondered if there was actually anything to begin with. Was he really in love with Winry like he thought he was? Was it like how it was now with Roy, when all his insides trembled with anticipation at the very thought of the man, when his whole body was humming with pleasure just from being beside him, when he couldn't contain his exhilaration when they simply talked about everything and nothing. Just hearing his voice, just being able to discuss all that he couldn't with Winry. Was it even close to that when they just got married? Or was he just lying to himself and to her, trying to live up to this idea of a perfect family, trying to do what his father couldn't. And look where it led him. Exactly where he was running away from.     
And trapped in his own fantasy he dragged his dear friend there too, deluding her along with himself with empty hopes of a perfect future together. There was no mistaking now what he felt to her. He loved her, that nothing could ever change. But that was a love one would have to someone who they spent their childhood years with. She was the closest person to him after Al, she was like a sister to him. She always was. And this simple realization was heartbreaking.

When Al came to Central a month after Ed received his letter, he noticed instantly that something was off with his brother. Later he said it was because Ed’s laugh and smiles seemed too exaggerated to him. He said, it was because he recognised the look in Ed’s eyes which Ed’s fake smiles couldn’t reach. He said it was guilt and regret what he saw - the feelings he hoped he would never see in his brother’s eyes again.

And when Al told him that, Ed felt that everything he had been holding at bay came rushing back, and, choking on tears, he told his brother everything.

He expected Al to yell at him, to tell him he was a horrible person. But Al was looking at him with pity in his eyes and Ed couldn’t take it. He started screaming, not even noticing how his screams hitched in his throat. “Tell me I am disgusting!” he screamed. “Tell me I am worse than our father,” he shouted. But what Al said was the one thing Ed didn’t want to hear, because he didn’t want to think about it.

“I always thought you had some feelings for Mustang,” he said, and Ed’s breath died in his throat. “But I thought it was just a crush when you decided to marry Winry,” he said and went silent. And Ed dreaded what his brother was going to say next because what if―  

“I have always wondered if it was more than a simple crush and what would’ve happened if you didn’t propose to Winry,” Al started and Ed felt he was losing his ground. “You know,” Al said and Ed wanted to shut him up but his mouth was dry and his head was empty. “I am not surprised. I think you would’ve been good for each other. I am so sorry, that it happened too late, brother, I really am…”

And Ed’s heart stopped.

Horrible regret hit him like a tempest wave, filling every cell of his body, stealing his breath, twisting his stomach in a painful knot, making his heart fall, making his eyes hurt. And he knew what pain was like. He had it a lot in his life. Pain of losing his limbs, pain from different smaller injuries, pain from losing people he loved, and the different kind of pain from dragging his own life out of himself to heal his  life threatening injury. But this time it was different - that pain faded with time. What he felt now was going to stay with him for every moment of his life and he knew it would never go away and now he can only learn to live with it, with this feeling of his every breath, his every word, his every move being a mistake, being fake. He was living a life that didn’t belong to him. And the life that should’ve been his was passing before his eyes, alien and unreachable.

And he was the only one to blame as it was the life he chose himself.

And even if it sometimes seemed too unfair for him, some days he would find relief in the bright eyes of his children, always watching him with such love and admiration.

He will not be like his father. He was different. He will not abandon his family like his father did. It was his burden and he will not share it with anyone else.

And he will wake up every morning to this life of a stranger, go through every day smiling to his wife and kids, hiding the pain flowing through his veins threatening to break the fragile dam he built around his heart.

He was living the life of a pretender and he didn’t know anymore how to get out of it.

He despised himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"The moment when you realize you let what's "good" for you be defined by society in general instead of yourself. It’s the easy way._  
>  _And sometimes it works... but sometimes it doesn't_."  
>  Himeneka
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting.  
> One more chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is - giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a bit longer than I expected - this chapter was fighting me even more than the previous two.
> 
> Blame that sudden cheesiness you will probably notice on SPYAIR - Japanication, which I've been listening on a repeat.

_Rather than chose your path based on the sins you bear,_

_you must bear your sins along the path that you’ve chosen._

 

It was not long after Al left when Ed was finally able to make sense of the research his brother sent him.

As he expected, there was a reason why this knowledge, despite being so old, had never become common among alchemists. The reason for that most likely was in the impossibility to use this widely - the ability to use someone else’s Gate depended not only on the skill of the alchemist performing such alchemy, but on whether the person whose Gate said alchemist was trying to use would let them do that.

It didn’t really come as a surprise for Ed - alchemists had a very precise control over their own Gates, otherwise they would not be able to activate even the simplest array. Gate were the heart and the soul of the alchemist, Ed knew that too well. Preserving them, pushing away any attempts to reach the Gate from the outside, was a reflex, and allowing someone an access to them was not something you could have full conscious control over, as well as suppressing it also was not a simple task. Technically it was possible, but in any scenario this would always be a decision of the alchemist providing the access. And an absolute, _blind_ trust to the one who is attempting to reach and then use their Gate was a key here.

And this was where the problem lay - Ed could not imagine someone trusting him to this point. In two words - it was nearly impossible.

Ed’s tiny hope vanished, being sucked in the hurting emptiness inside his soul. He should’ve felt disappointed, but he felt nothing - throughout the years living without his Gate he had accepted the inevitability of never getting his alchemy back.

But he knew he should at least try.

 

 

“Why didn’t it work? It should, I’m sure I did everything right...”

Al was his obvious choice, the first and the last one - if it was not going to work with him, than it would not work with anyone else anyway. Thankfully Ed didn’t have to wait long to see his brother again - it was Maes’s birthday and both Al and Mei came to make a visit to Rush Valley. Ed managed to take a Monday off at work and was planning to spend these days with his family. He dragged Al in his study as soon as they were in the house, closed the door behind them and told his brother about the progress he made with the research.

Al suggested to try it instantly.

It didn’t work.

“No, brother, it is not you, I’m sorry, I just… Let’s try again.”

“I mean you are my brother, I was sure…”

“No, no, I trust you, of course, Ed. It’s just… I’m sorry. When you did that, I felt this pull and it felt how it was those times when… When Truth was dragging me there.. It is… Let’s try again.”

“No, Al, no, I should've known it would be like that. I don’t want to do this to you, I’m sorry, Al…”

“I’m sorry too, brother… Maybe… No, forget it.”

“What, Al?”

“Are you and the General still…”

“Al, please…”

“No, brother, I am not asking this to judge you! I thought that if you are still… seeing each other, perhaps you can try this with him?”

“What? Al, no, I told you, there should be an absolute trust to be able to do this. I am not sure if it’s even possible… See, it didn’t even work with you.”

“I’m sorry, brother, you know that I trust you, I just can’t…”

“No, Al, stop apologizing, it’s ok.”

“But it won’t hurt to try it with the General? I’m sure he trusts you.”

“No, Al, it is not like that,” _Not from his side anyway_. “It is… It is just a physical thing. God, I can’t believe I am telling you that.”

“Brother, I do hope you think of the General higher than that though.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he doesn’t strike me as person who would let you make your own life so complicated if it was only about sex for him, brother. You should try this array with him.”

“He wouldn’t let me. Why should he?”

“Well then you’ll have your answer in any case then.”

“What answer, Al, I didn’t ask any questions.” _I don’t want to know the answer._

“This array basically gives you an access to the most sacred place of an alchemist’s soul. If he lets you, you will know it is more than just sex for him. You know, giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to―”

“Stop, Al! Why are you even telling me this? How can you be ok with this?”

“Well, I was the one who sent you this research, so I…”

“No, Al! Why are you talking about me and the General like it’s ok?! Why aren’t you telling me what a bad person I am for doing this, doing this to Winry?! I have a wife, children and I… And you… But you haven’t said a single bad word either about me or Roy!”

“Brother, you are not a child and I am not your parent, I can’t tell you what to do, you make your own decisions, you know better than anyone what you want. Besides, what do you want me to say? I know it must be really hard for you, but whatever is happening, whatever is going to happen - it is your responsibility. I’m sorry, brother.”

“You are just leaving me alone in this!”

“No, I’m not, brother! How can you say that?! I am here to support you and see that you don’t do anything reckless.”

“So sleeping with the man fourteen years older than me behind my wife’s back is not reckless enough?!”

“Shh, Ed! Reckless is raising your voice saying this when Winry is in another room! And what do you want me to say, brother? You want me to tell you how bad you are? What difference would it make? I think you are already doing a good job blaming yourself without me helping you with it.”

“What about Roy then?”

“What about him?”

“I was sure you’d want to kick his ass or something.”

“For what? It is not like he forced you in that. I’m sorry, brother, but I respect you both enough to understand that neither would he force you to do anything you don’t want to, nor would you allow him to do that. And I’m not your guardian, Ed.”

“He knows I’m married.”

“Yes, he does.”

“Why does he let me keep doing that?..”

“Because your family is not his responsibility, brother, he can’t make this decision for you. Neither can I. But… But I promise you, I’ll support you no matter what.”

“How can you say this, Al?! How can you support me _no matter what?!_ What if… No, no, I don’t want to do as our father did!”

“You are the one who still hates him for leaving, Ed, not me…”

 

 

Ed went to Roy as soon as he arrived in Central on Monday evening. There was no point in waiting - he will not be able to throw what Al told him out of his mind until he speaks with Roy about this. Ed was almost sure the man would not even allow him to try, and even if he did, it for sure will not work.

He spoke as soon as Roy opened the door―

“We should talk,” Roy said at the same time as Ed’s “There is something I wanted to ask you.”

His prepared speech died in Ed’s suddenly dry throat. He nodded and entered the house.

They stood in the hall looking at each other, Ed waiting for Roy to speak, and he would lie if he said that he didn’t expect to hear what the man said the next moment.

“Ed, we should end this.”

“What?..”

“I will not say that it was a mistake, because it wasn’t. I have thought a lot about this, Ed. I know I told you that I would have as little as you could give me, and it was not a lie. But things changed, Ed. I am almost forty, and I am working hard to become Fuhrer one day, and this is not…” he sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. “I can’t do this anymore. We must end this.”

Silence was ringing in Ed’s ears while he was trying to find his voice. He thought about it a lot. First it was just an attempt to make a plan for the possible future. He accepted that this would eventually end. But with the time passing, this relationship became something Ed could not imagine his life without. It was painful, he was stuck between two realities, splitting himself in two halves, trying to live two different lives.

But he kept reminding himself that this would end eventually.

Until he didn’t anymore. Because at some point which he completely missed, this, what he had with Roy, whatever it was, suddenly became as valuable to him as Winry and the kids. Just one man on the one side of the scale against three people who were Ed’s family. It was impossible to balance and each of the sides was slowly tearing him apart.

He came to Roy months ago silently begging the man to decide this for him, to push him away. Ed would have accepted it back then.

Now… Now it felt that he was divested of something that became an important part of his life.

“I… I wanted to ask you something.”

_Why does my voice sound so dim?_

“Ed, I need you to answer me on what I just said.”

“Yeah, yeah ok... I… Just let me try something first and I’ll be out of your hair, I promise,” he smiled weakly, suddenly experiencing a mild twinge of derealization.

“Ed… All right, what is it?”

“I want to try something. Perhaps it is a bad time for that, but I promised Al to try so… “

Why was he persisting? What was the point, especially now…

Ed took in a deep breath and stepped closer to Roy.

“You know I will not do anything to harm you?”

“Of course, Ed, why are you asking?”

“I just wanted to make sure you know that,” Ed answered and hesitantly took Roy’s hands in his - physical contact will make it easier. He half expected the man to pull away instantly, but warm fingers wrapped around Ed’s hands and he let out a breath he had been holding. “You know I gave up my Gate for Al,” Ed spoke around the lump in his throat, not looking at Roy. “Al found that book in Xing, it is old but I have managed to understand enough from it, and now I have an array which can allow me to use other alchemist’s Gate.” Ed felt Roy’s hands tensing, and he looked up at the man’s confused face, question in his eyes. “It’s not that simple, though. I can’t do it without a permission, I tried it with Al, but it didn’t work, though I know he trusts me, but it’s… It’s just not that simple. Will you… Will you allow me to try?”

Ed forced himself to keep looking in Roy’s dark eyes, repeating in his head that this can be the last time he is allowed to be this close to the man, and if he just could―

“Of course, Ed,” Roy answered quietly, and Ed forced himself to stop thinking about anything else but what he was going to do next. Later, they will discuss it later, he needed to focus on the array in his mind, because even if, _when_ he will fail, it will still delay the moment when he will have to think how to reshape his life again, how  to go back to the life he had before this, how to find a way to forget this ever happened.

He made the last short step between them, now standing face to face with Roy. It was not necessary, but it might help, but most of all, he just wanted to be close to the man at that moment.

Warm hands in his, dark eyes watching him, soothing warm breath on his lips - it was as comforting as it was arousing and Ed let himself drown in the feeling, pulled towards this warmth.

He closed his eyes and pressed his face closer, lips just breath away from touching, noses brushing together.

“Ed?” he more felt than heard a whisper falling from Roy’s lips.

He didn’t answer and started building the array in his mind, piece by piece, line by line. It was perhaps the most elegant, complicated and yet simple array he had ever seen. There was not a single irrelevant line or symbol in it - extremely minimalistic, every element solved its own purpose and was in a perfect balance with each other. It was beautiful, and the alchemist in Ed was hurting just thinking that such a perfection will never find a practical use.

When there was nothing around him but the comforting dark warmth and the bright lines of the array before him, he mentally pushed it forward.

He felt absentmindedly how Roy’s fingers trembled briefly only to squeeze his hands harder the next moment. It was the point where it failed when Ed attempted it with Al - the darkness in front of him, instead of opening up to allow the array further in, violently pushed him out.

Any time now Roy will push him away too, like he already did today, saying that they should end this, because Ed didn’t have a place in Roy’s life, how could he, it was only fair, because Roy also didn’t have a place in Ed’s, and what did Ed even hope for starting this, how did he expected this to end, or wasn’t he even thinking about it, too wrapped up in the waves of emotions washing over him every time he was with Roy, drowning him, depriving him of the ability to be reasonable, because he just wanted this, wanted this so much, and was there even any time before that when he did something just for himself? And this one time when he decided to let go, to let go of the rules he set for himself, and just let himself welcome this possibility of doing something so selfish that it had the potential to ruin the lives of three adults and two kids, this one time he couldn’t have it.

And maybe that was it, the sign for him that he can’t possibly rely on what he wanted. It was fair. And yet at the same time it wasn’t.

He was breathing hard, heart fighting its way from his ribcage. It was so unfair, why was it so unfair? Was he not worthy of having the possibility, just the _possibility_ , of having something that made him so whole and happy that he couldn’t even contain it?  Hadn’t he deserved this chance? Now, when he finally figured out what he wanted, what he _truly_ wanted, _needed_ , he would be deprived of it in a few moments. And why was he persisting, why delay the inevitable, hope for something, which will never be? Should he give up now before Roy pushed him away? Should he let go, let the array vanish, and make it his decision, not anyone else’s? Should he―

Roy let out a shuddering breath, air with the smell of oak warm on Ed’s lips, and he felt the man pressing his forehead to Ed’s, and it was so intimate in a way that Ed had never experienced, and suddenly there was a dazzling white light before Ed’s closed eyes, shoving away the darkness, and the breath died in his lungs - forgot how to breath, all Ed could see was this - the blinding endless whiteness and in the middle of it - Roy’s Gate.

He hadn’t thought he would be able to go that far.. But there he was. And Ed’s breath whispered through his lips as adrenalin was filling his veins. It was more than unexpected, but it still was not enough and Ed wondered at what point Roy would push him out, and he didn’t even doubt he would, it was out of the question - where he tried to reach - it was sacred, but since he was let to see the Gate he _had_ to try to go further.

Ed moved the array forward, placing it on the Gate’s surface. He was holding his breath, feeling a drop of sweat running down his temple. Roy tensed. Now, it was going to happen any second now, please, a little more, give me just a little more… And as if his silent pleas were heard, he felt Roy pressing to him even closer, strong hands holding his in a tight but tender grasp, warm breath on his lips, the heart beating against his own, the smell of oak and ozone washing over him, filling him, and at that moment he couldn’t feel where his body ended and Roy’s started, and with a barely heard “Ed”, he saw the array on the Gate lighting up, and the Gate started opening.

And with every inch of the increasing gap Ed felt a wave of what he thought he would never be able to feel again in his life flowing from the Gate towards him, filling in what seemed to be the bottomless emptiness in his soul - with every beat of their hearts, with every breath taken Ed felt the tingling waves of alchemical energy - _Roy’s_ energy - flowing through his veins, his whole body humming with it and it was too much, and why was he able to do this and why did he let him… It was too much, it was so familiar and yet so alien, it was not his, but it was given to him to use with such an ease, and it was scary how easy it was, it was beautiful and so good to have it again, temporary yes, but for the first time in all these years Ed was whole again.

Overwhelmed, Ed felt hot tears running down his face at the same time as he heard the gentle: “Ed? Edward? You’re crying…”. And he let himself open his eyes while trying not to lose the image of the opened Gate and his array shimmering on its surface. He pulled a bit back to lock his eyes with the dark worried ones, he slowly removed his hands from Roy’s grip and the man instantly cupped his face, and started brushing tears from Ed’s face.

“Ed, Ed, Ed…”

He didn’t know he could go this far, he didn’t know what to expect, he didn’t know it would be like _that_ \- overwhelming, consuming, _devouring_. If he had thought the two of them had been close, intimate before this moment, that was nothing compared to what Ed felt now.

_Why did he let me? Why are you letting me do this, Roy?!_

How could he let Ed with this array to his Gate, how could he trust him so much not knowing what this array was for? Opening up like that, letting him use the very core of his existence...

_...Giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to._

No, no, it couldn’t be that. _Please, Roy, you can’t... I can’t…_

Their eyes locked, Roy’s hands on Ed’s face, soft whispers, repeating his name over and over and over again, asking if he was alright and telling him something important at the same time, and Ed didn’t want to know that, didn’t want to acknowledge. It was easy like that - not knowing, not crossing the line from where there will be no return. But perhaps it didn’t matter now because even though Roy let him do this, it will not change anything.

_‘We must end this’..._

His hands free, Ed drew in a nervous breath and brought his palms together.

He wasn’t prepared for this part, he was sure he would not get this far, and he wasn’t even thinking what he was going to do, but his questions were brushed off from his mind when he saw and _felt_ the sparkles of alchemy on the tips of his fingers and he heard a strangled nervous laugh and he wasn’t sure if it was his or Roy’s, but it didn’t matter and the only thing for him now was the stream of alchemy from Roy’s Gate filling his body, strong, thick, bright, connecting them together.

He reached with one hand to a wooden wall beside them and touched it. Alchemy rushed through him, accumulating on the tips of his fingers. He turned his wrist, bringing his hand palm up and when the blue light faded, there was a small wooden figure of a bird sitting on Ed’s palm.

And the breath caught in his throat.

“Why?! Why am I able to do this?!” he asked not being able to tear his eyes from the wooden toy he just transmuted, following it, when Roy took it from Ed’s palm to give it a closer look.

“What do you mean, Ed? Were you expecting for this to not work?”  
“Yes! I shouldn't… It worked only because _you_ let me. How… But this is _your Gate_ , Roy, how can you let anyone so close to them, how can you let anyone use it?!”

“You are not anyone, Ed,” Roy answered quietly, and Ed was suddenly aware of how close they were standing. He took one step back.

“You shouldn’t let me! Why are you letting me do this, Roy, why?!”

“I thought it should be obvious by now, Ed.”

“NO! No! You don’t understand! Why would you possibly trust me with this?! No! It didn’t even work with Al, and he is my _brother_! But you…”

“I what, Ed? What am I? Your former superior officer, who you happen to sleep with and who should not trust his former subordinate to do something like that?” there was a hard undertone in Roy’s voice, and Ed realised that the man was angry.

“No... Why…”

“Why, Ed? You asking me why?! You, who keep coming into my life only to leave again! You, who asks me why I am not married and talks about regrets?! What do you know about regrets, Ed?! Not a day passes when I don’t think what my life would be if I approached you before you proposed to Winry, Ed!”

“What?..”

“Do you think I am doing this for fun, Ed?! Do you think I can’t fuck whoever I want to fuck in this whole damn city, this whole damn country?! Why would I choose some crippled fucked up brat who can’t make up his goddamn mind about what he wants in his life?! Do you think I don’t want more? Do you think it is so goddamn easy for me to keep the act of this friends-with-benefits thing without even raising a question about this - _for your sake, Ed! -_ pretending that I am happy with how things are?!”

Roy was almost screaming now, voice low and husky, his knuckles white around the wooden toy he was squeezing too hard.

Ed’s head was reeling. He could still feel a strong stream of Roy’s alchemy running from the man to him, and he thought absentmindedly, that Roy could shut him out any moment, but for some reason, even being angry with Ed, he still let this connection stand.

“I have wanted you since you turned sixteen, Ed! Bratty kid who kept insulting me and pushing all my buttons! All these years, Ed! Not a day passes when I don’t curse my fucking life for it will never be as I want it to be, for I missed my chance! And then you started coming here basically offering yourself! And you think I could decline? Decline what I have been yearning for for so long? I am not a saint, Ed! I am not going to take a single bit of the responsibility you hold to your family. But I know what I want and when it comes to my arms, I can only hold on for so long, Ed,” Roy’s first outburst of emotions died down and the frown between his eyebrows disappeared, replaced with a pained expression in his eyes. His voice was tight, dropping almost to a whisper, as if every word he was saying was hurting his throat. “I would give you anything Ed, everything. I can’t believe I am saying this… You own me, Ed, and you don’t even realise this. Why the fuck don’t I marry… I would give you my whole life, Ed. My body, my soul. And letting you use my Gate is such a little part of it... I would give it to you for good, Ed, if I knew how. You’re worth all that. Trust… It is so much more than just trust, Ed.  How can you not see it?...”

_Why, why are you telling me this now, now, when it is already too late, now, when the next thing you say will be “Let’s end this”, why are you doing this to me, Roy?.._

“I… But I can’t… You know I can’t! I..”

“Of course you can’t! Of course… And I am not asking anything from you, Ed. But… But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep letting you go every time, Ed! You are hurting yourself and me in the process. Once I thought I better have something, just a part of you and it would be better than nothing. But I can't go on like this. Because I don’t want just a part of you! I want you whole in my life, just for me! And I can’t ask this from you! And I don’t want to force you to make a choice, because there can't be any choice here. Because you yourself don’t know what you want. So I am making this decision for you, and let it be me regretting it. But I lived without you all these years, Ed. I watched you getting married and having kids. And I can do this again. But I won’t let you keep exhausting yourself and me over the possibilities which will never be. I am taking this out of your hands. Don’t come here anymore, Ed. Please.”

“No, Roy, please… I…”

“You what?! You need this?! Me?! I would do anything for you, Ed, but not like this! Because like this there is going to be nothing left of me soon. Please, go.”

“But…” Ed started and trailed off. There was nothing he could say to change this. There was nothing he could say of what he wanted to say. _‘I want to be with you’_ ? He never fully was and he hardly ever will, because that would not be the whole him. _‘I need you_ ’ sounded selfish and he had already let his selfishness to do enough for this last few months. _‘I love you_ ’... Ed drew in a shuddering breath. The words were a lump in his throat and he couldn’t give them voice, and what an irony, that the first time he thought these words was only after he had lost his chance to ever say them.

Roy closed his eyes and with this Ed felt the flow of alchemy being cut off, and he felt himself falling into the once again opened endless wound inside him. And for a moment he thought he couldn’t breathe and his heart wasn’t beating. His eyes were hurting, his ears ringing, and with pain in his whole body, he left the house.

He was at the nadir where only desperation and self-pity were keeping him company. Where with every breath, his wretchedness was burning his lungs.  

 

 

The next day he took a month off at University, and left to Rush Valley.

 

 

 

“Brother? What are you doing in Rush Valley? It’s just a Wednesday, I thought..”

“I took a month off.”

“Did something happen? Did you try the array with the General?”

“Yes.”

“Ed? What happened? You sound so…”

“It worked, Al.”

“It worked?! Oh, brother! I am so happy! I told you it might work! How did it feel? How did he react? What are going to do now?”

“Nothing, Al. I will live my life as I’ve lived it before this all started.”

“Brother, I don’t understand, what are you…”

“He said we should end this and we did.”

“I’m sorry, brother…”

“Yeah, me too.”

 

 

A week passed and nothing changed. He was suffocating again, and even more now that he knew there was a place where his lungs were filled with air. But this place was taken from him.

 

Two weeks passed and Winry finally noticed that something was wrong with him, or maybe it was just when she decided to show it.

‘You miss your work?” she asked, and he just nodded.

 

Three week passed and on Saturday Paninya came by and took the kids for a weekend.

“We need to talk, Ed,” Winry said as soon as the kids left.

He heard this a lot these days, didn’t he?

“Something is happening with you, and you are not telling me anything. I know… I know you were not really happy here, that’s why I thought it would be good for you to start working in that university.”

“I will never use alchemy again, Winry.”

“What? What does it have to do with this?”

“I thought I got used to it, but then when I felt it again, it was so... “

“What are you talking about?”

“I found a way to use another alchemist’s Ga.. alchemy.”

“Well, that’s good, right?”

“I can use it only with Roy.”

“The General? You are friends, right? What about Al?”

“It didn’t work with Al.”

“So it works only with Mustang?”

“Yes.”

“And that is why you’ve been acting so distant recently? Because of the alchemy?”

“No, I… I suppose I just can’t accept the fact that I will never have it.”

“Oh my god, Ed, it was what, _nine_ years already? Ten? Didn’t you get used to it? You have a family now, kids, Ed! And you still work with this alchemy things.”

“It is not the same, Winry.”

“Your alchemy has always been more important for you than anything, right, Ed?!”

“I gave it up for my brother! How can you say this?!”

“Well apparently you regret this! Or there is something else which you are not telling me about, otherwise you wouldn’t be acting so weird for the last few months and we wouldn’t be having this conversation, Ed!”

“I don’t regret bringing my brother back! But I need this too, you don’t understand, Win...”

“Of course I don’t. I’ve never understood you, right, Ed?! Why did you marry me then, Ed, if I am such a bad wife who can’t understand her own husband’s needs?!”

“You are not― ”

“Yeah, perhaps you should’ve married Mustang, right, Ed?! You are spending so much time with him because of this alchemy thing!”

“Stop.”

“That would be perfect for you, huh, Ed?! And he is the only one who can give you your alchemy or whatever!”

“It is not― ”

“I’m tired of this, Ed! I tried to understand you, I tried to accept that this life perhaps is not for you, I tried to meet you halfway, haven’t I, Ed? We had this agreement, but you are never with me even when you are home! You keep being lost in your head. What is going on?!”

“I… I’m sorry, Winry.”

“What exactly are you apologising for, Ed?”

“I’m sorry I dragged you into it. I’m sorry I made you think I can be a good husband for you. I’m sorry I was so sure you would be a perfect wife for me. I am sorry it is not like that.”

“What?.. What the fuck is this supposed to mean, Ed?!”

“I thought it was perfect, I really did, but it just stopped working out for me after some time. I need someone who understand me, everything I’ve been through, who understands this black hole in my chest eating me from inside, Winry! I need someone who can keep me on my toes, who can be a challenge for me every day. And I should’ve talked with you earlier, I know that and I am so sorry, Winry, but I just can’t…”

“Wha―  You need someone… But you are friends with Mustang and you can talk about all this with him, can’t you?”

Ed just stood there without answering, not daring to meet Winry’s gaze, and his silence spoke volumes.

“Ed? Wait, did you mean him?..  What?... Oh god… Are you sleeping with him?! I can’t believe this! You said… Don’t you understand that he is keeping you by this, he knows how you need this alchemy and he can give it to you! You were telling me yourself that he is a manipulative bastard, how could you…”

“No, it wouldn’t work if… He is not holding me by anything, Winry.”

“How can you be sure about it?! He is using you! Your weak spot! Now when he knows you can use alchemy when you are with him he is just using it!

“No! It is not like that! It wouldn’t work if he just used me, Winry!” _And it doesn’t matter now because I am not with him, not anymore._

“What do you mean?”

“It’s… Letting someone use your alchemy is like giving this person an access to your very soul… You should really trust this person. You should… It wouldn’t work if he wasn’t genuine with what he felt. I was able to do it because…”

“Because he loves you... Is this what you are trying to say?”

And this was it, isn’t it? And he knew it though nothing had been said between them, but all the signs were there, Ed just pretended not to notice them, because it would make it all so much more difficult. But was there any sense to keep ignoring it? Roy loved him, and Ed… He could keep lying to himself and to others, but where would it lead? He was not a coward. He faced so many dangers in his life, he never hesitated to risk his life for others. But this - facing his own emotions, facing the truth of what he really felt, of how it will inevitably change his life - that frightened him.

“And what about you, Ed?”

“What?”

“Do you love him too?”

“I…”

“No, you know what, I don’t wanna know. How much time until you have to come back to work? A week? You have one week, Ed. Do whatever you want but make up your mind.”

  

 

There was a difference between living and existing.

He couldn’t think here, his mind was in shackles. And Roy had always been keeping him on his toes, making every conversation a challenge.

 

There was a difference between the need for a simple comfort and the need to breathe when your chest was not clenched in a tight fist.

He couldn’t breathe here. And Roy was making him want to keep trying.

 

There was a difference between a comfortable life and a life which was filling your veins with fire.

Time wasn’t moving here, his inner fire was dying inside of him. And only Roy could set it aflame.

 

There was a difference between a choking obligation and a suffocating want.

Winry wanted him to be with her. Roy made him feel wanted.

 

There was a difference between caring and being in love.

He cared about Winry. He loved his kids. He was in love with Roy.

 

It would be a simple choice if it was only about what he wanted.

It would be even simpler if it was his obligation which he’d let to choose.

There would be no choice at all if he let his childhood fear of becoming his father consume him.

But as much as their motives were different, he began to understand that in the adult world there were situations where you either decided to live your own life or succumb to the circumstances. His father made his own choice, but whatever Ed would do, it would not make him any less or more like his father.

He’d lived all his teen years paying his debts, he sacrificed himself for others and never cared if he’d live one more day - he knew what “must” meant, and it had ruled his world, he built his whole life around it. He’d done so much of what must be done, that it would be enough for ten people. He didn’t owe neither others nor himself anything anymore - it was now whether he wanted and could do it or he didn’t.

And even though he could not have what - _who_ \- he wanted now, he was at least finally able to see what he didn’t want.

It was Roy who took the need to choose between two people Ed cared about from Ed’s hands. But the choice of whether to take a risky turn in his life or keep going with the flow was still Ed’s.

It was the opportunity which was not yet lost for him.

 

 

“Winry, let’s talk.”

 

 

It’s been more than a year since Ed was last standing near the gates of the Central Command grounds, and all the times he stood there waiting for Roy telescoped together spiking him with a queer feeling of deja-vu, although he knew today was different.

The day was coming to an end and Ed just hoped everyone who personally knew him already left - he wanted to talk to Roy without any distractions.

After some time he spotted a familiar figure crossing the parade grounds from the main building. Ed was sure Roy had noticed him but the man didn’t show it in any way before he was out of the gates.

“Ed?” Roy’s voice indicated just a little amount of surprise, as if it wasn’t more than a year since they saw each other, and Ed forced himself not to wonder if Roy deliberately stopped on his track when he was a little bit too far from Ed to consider this distance friendly.

“Hey, Roy. How have you been?”

“What are you doing here, Ed?”

“Just returned from Aerugo. Thought I’d see you.”

“Aerugo?”

“Yeah. I quit the University and have been kinda traveling this year, was in Creta too, and visited Al in Xing.”

“Hm. Was your family ok with you being absent for so long?”

_Here it comes._

“Oh, I took them with me in Xing. You should’ve seen the kids’ faces when we were invited to the palace! They were so amazed!” Ed grinned briefly but happily, letting himself be pulled into the memories of those events for a short moment.  “Anyways, me and Winry are not together anymore, but I am trying to spend time with Maes and Nina as often as I can.”

“Not together?”

“Yeah, we divorced.”

“Oh,” Roy’s eyes widened just for a flicker of a second and Ed noticed Roy’s throat convulsing shortly as the man swallowed nervously. “I’m sorry, Ed.”

“You know, I’m not,” Ed answered honestly. “We are still good friends, and I love Maes and Nina like crazy, but me and Winry… I suppose it just was not what I wanted. It wouldn’t have lasted much longer anyway.”

Their conversation from a year ago was still fresh in Ed’s head.

Winry thought he was leaving her for Roy, and then Ed said that it was not his option anymore, but he just didn’t love her as a husband should love his wife.

“ _I will not let you do as your father did,”_ she said eventually. She didn’t let him answer anything. _“Listen to me. I love you, but if you don’t love me, if you want to leave me, I can't hold you here. But don't leave your children. I won't let you do as your father did. You will talk to Maes and explain him everything, and you talk to Nina when she is older. You will spend time with them at least every weekend, Ed, every weekend! Here or take them there, I don't care. But I swear if I once hear from either of them that you don't spend enough time with them, that you don't say that you love them every single minute, I will make your life a nightmare, Ed, I swear.”_

Not that he wouldn’t do it anyway even if she didn’t say that. But hearing that from her eased up an unpleasant knot in his stomach - he was not abandoning his kids by this decision.

Here now, if Roy was surprised by his answer, he didn’t show it.

“I see.”

“Yeah…” Ed draw in a breath and, feeling a bit dizzy. “Are you seeing anyone, Roy?”

Roy took a moment to answer, dark eyes locked on Ed’s. He tilted his head a bit and his posture seemed more relaxed now than it was the moment he saw Ed waiting for him.

“No, Ed, I’m not.”

“Are you free on Friday evening?”

“Well, if Hawkeye doesn’t come up with some additional paperwork to bury me under I should finish around eight.”

“Great. There is this new Cretan place. Let’s say at nine there? I’ll call you later to give you the address.”

“Are you asking me out, Ed?” Roy asked and Ed wondered if he just imagined Roy’s lips tilting up a bit.

“I am,” Ed’s voice was calm, but he could feel his heart beating just a bit too fast.

Roy was watching him closely, searching for something, his face not giving away anything of what the man thought or felt at that moment. Ed hold his gaze, and tried to keep breathing through the tight anxious fist around his chest.

There were so many things Ed wanted to tell him.

He wanted to tell him about all the interesting people he met during this year of traveling, about the things he learnt. He wanted to tell him about this wonderful feeling of being able to decide what he needed and wanted for himself. He wanted to tell him how grateful he was for teaching him to recognise his own desires, for showing him that life without regretting his choices was possible. He wanted to tell him, that he missed him terribly.

But most of all he wanted to tell him that now he could and wanted to give himself wholly to him, and that he was willing to do whatever it takes to make Roy believe him.

But now it was Roy’s decision, and if the man didn’t want to have anything to do with Ed, he will accept it and will never bother him again.

“Nine sounds good,” Roy finally said after a pause that for Ed’s perception stretched for too long, and he let out a relieved breath and smiled widely not even trying to conceive how happy he was to hear the man’s answer.

“Great. See you on Friday then?”

“Of course, Ed,” Roy smiled warmly.

Ed nodded and without any other word turned around and started walking away.

He will do this right this time. Without anything trying to tear him apart, without an eerie feeling of a tight grasp on his throat, without a desperation pushing his hand, without guilt coiling in his stomach.

It will be different this time. Because now Roy could have as much place in Ed’s life as he would want and it was not merely a part of him Ed could offer Roy, but himself wholly.

 

Ed was slowly walking along the street, smiling lightly, enjoying the still lingering warmth of this summer evening.

And even the dark void inside his chest didn’t ache as much as it used to.

 

“Ed?”

“Mm?..”

“Do you have any regrets?”

“No, not anymore.”

 

 

**FIN**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intended this story to be a 5k words dark ugly angst about regrets, without a single dialogue and with bad ending.  
> But look what happened. Oh well :D
> 
> I love this story and I love questions I hope I was able to raise in it, though except for a few parts, it was fighting me all the way.  
> It was insanely hard to write compare to my other works, and I must admit, that I half-assed it a little bit in the end, but I just can’t. I’m also gonna shamelessly blame it on that being just 2 months since I wrote my first ever fanfic and that english is not my native language. But mostly this story just drained me, I’m sorry.  
> But regardless, I hope it still was interesting for you to read, and that the ending felt alright.
> 
> Let me know what you think - every comment is precious <3

**Author's Note:**

> Please, drop me a line in the comments to let me know what you think, it will make my day! ^_^
> 
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